Rejection need not be a four-letter word
Reprint From Column in Palm Beach Post, December 2003 Toby Chabon-Berger
Rejection need not be a four-letter word for job seekers. The big R word can actually be a transformed into a driving force that will bring about positive changes in your job search skills..
After sending carefully prepared resumes to targeted employers, and completing interviews where you thought you were a sure bet for an offer, you may receive correspondence that says, “Thanks, your qualifications were excellent, but we have selected another applicant.” Hearing “no” often creates a black hole in the pit of the stomach, increases levels of stress; and, unless coping strategies are in place, will lead to hopelessness and anxiety. Rejection often feeds into itself until it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. That is the down side of rejection. So, what coping strategies will actually help you depersonalize rejection and replace it with positive energy to move forward? Learning how to overcome internal barriers creates more productive job search actions and provides ways to release the brakes to move forward.
Barbara Fretwell, MSW, ACSW, President of Ceres Innovations, Inc., Jupiter says,” rejection often leads to addictive behaviors that include too much concentration on hobbies, sitting at the computer all day, and other self defeating behaviors. Visualization, the opportunity to recall past successes, is one way to begin an offense to ward off behaviors often associated with rejection,” See yourself achieving success, and learn to laugh at yourself. Positive self-talk also modifies negative thoughts and feelings. Contact people who have gone through similar experiences. Ask for help that will provide constructive suggestions to replace anger and disappointment with upbeat thinking. It also pays off to get in touch with the child within you, the one who could solve any problem and create new ways of doing things. Laugh, play, and build in rewards just for trying. “Take comfort in the fact that when Babe Ruth was the King of Swat, he was often heard to say that he never minded striking out, because he knew he was getting closer to a home run.” says Fretwell.
Gary Sapir, President of Integrated Professional Resources, Boca Raton, says, “rejection is a perfect occasion for introspection. Seek out the root cause of the rejection. Thoroughly examine the situation and ask others for feedback.” Some decision makers may actually be willing to discuss how to improve your presentation, why your skills and qualifications were not a good fit, and even make suggestions that you can use for subsequent intervieww. He also says, “if you are a perfectionist, your expectations may not be realistic. Before you go on a downward spiral, you may want to seek assistance from a therapist, a coach, or a support group.”
“I think it is helpful to reread your resume and to focus on the fact that your accomplishments and skills are still there,” says Toni Gary-Williams, Community Profit Consultant formerly with The National Resource Institute of Palm Beach County. Ms. Gary-Williams recently went through a career change. She also says, “lessons in humility are opportunities for growth.” When rejection impedes continuing your job search because of the fear of more rejections, working with a coach is helpful. It is difficult to be objective about yourself.
Lori Gens, Boynton Beach, former New York model who is currently seeking a career change says, “rather than focusing on the rejection, form a positive mental picture that allows you to see yourself as you would like to be perceived. Call up this mental picture any time you are disappointed. I also find yoga, meditations and affirmations very helpful,” Visualizing a peaceful place is also helpful. Learn to use a trigger word, sound, or hand gesture that will induce relaxation. Through practice you will be able to rid yourself of the unproductive stress brought upon by a rejection. Seek ways to become involved with supportive people and consider doing some volunteer work. Helping people and special causes is not only rewarding for the acts themselves, but you will find that the appreciation and thanks for your efforts will increase self worth and lift your spirits. The Reverend Mimi Howard, Good Shepard Lutheran Church, Tequesta, says, “Oddly enough, when we no longer need to control people, fame or our security and when we are able to turn outside ourselves giving time and talent to help others, it is only then, that we realize our true value in the world.” Nancy Vrechek, PhD, a psychotherapist in Jupiter says, “rejection is most keenly felt when a job search focuses on one job at a time… one step job searches. If you broaden your focus and conduct multiple searches at one time, you are always working on the next opportunity. Don’t put all your eggs in one basket.” Draw on internal strengths, learn to manage feelings appropriately, and work on depersonalizing rejections. Learn to accept rejection as a signal for reassement. Even red lights change. Release the emergency brake on your feelings, acknowledge that although you may not like rejection, it should be a learning experience and an opportunity to evaluate the effectiveness of your job search “When the going gets tough, the tough get going.”
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